Wednesday, November 26, 2014

A Million Little Thank You's

Families-the people we turn to, to both lose and regain our sanity. The craziest people on the planet. The steady promise that love exists that does not bear conditions.

Families are proof that God has a sense of humor. They are the people who stand by your side. They are a reminder that you don't have to carry all the burdens of the world alone. They are the ones who cheer you on during your moments of triumph and they will hold your hand during the bitterness of defeat and whisper in your ear, "Together, we will get through".

Your family will see you at your absolute worst and your absolute best. They won't ask you why you haven't washed your hair in four days or even mention that you may have wore the same sweatpants and hoodie for an entire weekend, straight. They tell you if you're in desperate need of an eyebrow waxing. They keep your extensive Barbie collection a secret. They love you regardless of the fact that you can kinda be a whiny asshole.

Your family will fight with you. They will tell you how it is. They will call you on your bullshit. They will do everything in their power to help fulfill your hopes and dreams. They will sometimes say awful things to you that they don't necessarily mean. They forgive. They don't judge you when you call the cute little old lady that cut you off in traffic obscenities that would make a sailor blush. They know your quirks- the oddities that would otherwise cause them to commit homicide if they didn't love you so much.

Their pain is your pain. Their happiness, in turn, is also yours.

Their love is all encompassing.

A beautiful disaster.

A glorious mess.

Just because someone shares your blood, does not make them family and just because they don't, doesn't mean they aren't. Your family consists of the people who choose to be there for both the good and the bad.

So on this Thanksgiving day, a million little thank you's to my family. Every single day, you are all my greatest blessings.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

We Fight To Hold On, We Fight To Let Go.....

On October 29th, 2008 Ethan Whitesel's life ended.

On that day a piece of my soul died right along with him.

Six years have passed. How in the hell have six years passed?

It seems like both a lifetime ago and just yesterday.

Somewhere in the midst of grief and anger and sadness and despair, I have found something that I never thought possible. I have found peace.

I have made peace with the fact that he is gone. I still hate that fact but I do accept that a higher power had better plans for my brother and I have to trust in that. That is what gets me through the toughest of days.

The funny thing about peace is that it is, at times, fleeting. Finding peace is not an all encapsulating sense of enlightenment.  I still question why Bubba was taken so soon. There are days that I am still mad as hell about it and days where his death seems so senseless but I have also discovered that, that's the good thing about it. God can handle my anger and resentment. He can handle my questioning His reasoning. He can even handle when I turn my back on Him. So in finding peace I have also been able to reestablish my faith.  Even in death, Ethan helps me find my way.

He was my best friend, my mentor, my advocate, my cheerleader, my rival, my frustration, and my hope.

I miss him every day. That will never change.

He taught me to be a better person. To be a little reckless. To forgive quickly (I suck at this one). To see the best in everybody (I also suck at this one). To say what's on your mind (I don't suck at this one).  Most importantly, he taught me to live the hell out of today because we are promised nothing in this life, not even tomorrow.

Never forget to tell people you love them. Take the time to laugh. Look at something and see its true beauty. Get excited about the little things. Leave the dishes in the sink and go do something fun....they'll be there when you get back. Drink some Crown Royal. Find your passion and indulge it. Read a good book. Live in the moment. Sing...loudly and off tune, if at all possible. Make sure you're friends with some weirdos-these are the people that make life truly worthwhile.

People are going to remember you for your spirit and the way you lived your life.......Make sure you're living it right

On October 29, 2008, Ethan Whitesel's life ended.....His story did not.

Rest Well, Big Brother, Rest Well.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Bitter, Party Of One.....

He was an adventure. A breath of fresh air in the monotonous routine that my life had become. He made me laugh. He made me think. He made me realize that the world had so much more to offer than the little corner of it that I occupied.

He was also a lesson.

Unfortunately, some lessons in life are more pleasant than others.

Sometimes people aren't who they say they are.Sometimes people hurt others and have virtually no remorse for it. I made the choice to cut all ties, he handed me the scissors. Even now, I have to remind myself of this.

It doesn't make it any easier.

I miss the good times. I try to forget about the bad. The bad times do not define me, they, however, speak volumes about him.

It may not have turned out the way I hoped but I am sure one day (Not today) I will look back and think of him and smile and maybe even thank him for letting me be a part of his crazy world for just a little while but again, not today.

This too shall pass. I was fine before I met him. I will be fine again. Forever changed but fine, none-the-less.

Just because you love someone does not mean they are meant to remain in your life and perhaps, that is the cruelest of all truths.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

To The Greatest Man I know....


First off, I just want you to know that every day I hope I make you proud. I know I don't always get things right. I make a lot of mistakes. One day I will get it all figured out and even if I don't I know that you will always be a steady-constant in my life. I know that no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, you will always be there. There is nothing that I could ever say or do that would make you stop loving me...definitely mad enough to consider giving me up for adoption but never stop loving me. Remember, you signed a contract.

You and I are probably the exact definition of polar opposites. You are level-headed and logical.....I am well.....not either of those things. You appreciate my flair for the dramatic and allow me to do things my own way. I know that most times you wonder if we reside on the same planet. You have never once discouraged me from being true to myself and following my dreams. You may have not always understood me but you have always supported my choices. Do you remember when I was in graduate school and I wanted to quit weekly (sometimes daily)? Every time I thought I had reached my breaking point, you talked me down. Told me that one day all the hard work would pay off and eventually it did.

You gave me roots and wings-the greatest gift a dad could ever give his daughter.

Speaking of greatest gifts, thank you for loving my mom, for exemplifying what a healthy relationship looks like. You are our provider, our protector, our hero. You set some pretty high standards that most guys fall short of....thanks a heap for that.

You taught me that if something sounded too good to be true that it probably was and that the overall majority of people in this life are assholes but just because someone was an asshole to me didn't necessarily mean I had to be an asshole back. You taught to stand up for what I believe in even if that sometimes meant I will be standing alone and because of have learned what true strength really is.

You taught me at a young age that I have to work for everything that I want, that nothing in this world will ever be handed to me. I bet you don't know this, but one of my favorite things is when I pull into the farm and I see you sitting in the pasture looking at your family's 133 year-old legacy and smiling like you won the damn lottery. No one would ever know in those moments that you've paid for that farm ten times over with your own sweat, your own blood, and your own tears.

You showed me that living a life of honesty and decency is the true success story.

For all you've done, I could never thank you enough.

Love you the most,


Sunday, May 25, 2014

Today We Remember

Today we remember.

We remember those who have served our country and those who have fallen for our country. All gave some, some gave all. For that we will always be grateful.

Today we remember.

We remember our loved ones who we have lost along the way. Their battles different than our military service men and women, but battles none-the-less.

Today we remember.

We remember their vest for life. We smile at their stories. And if we try real hard, we can still hear their laughter.

Today we remember.

We remember and we hold on like hell to that memory. Regardless of how we lost our loved one, we all have the desire for their legacy to live on. Our greatest fear is that others will forget.

Today we remember.

Like yesterday and the day before that.

Today we remember.

We remember the happy times. We remember the sad times. The sad times make the happy times that much sweeter.

Today we remember.

We remember when we see others who also live every day feeling the vast unfairness of a life lost too soon. We remember as we walk past one another.  We don't have to even speak. A nod of the head and a look towards the ground sends a message in which words could never appropriately convey. Our grief is the same. Our grief is different. Only those who have felt that grief will understand what I am talking about.

Today we remember.

We remember that sometimes we still have to take every day, one at a time. If that becomes too much, we take it an by the hour, by the minute, by the second......Regardless of how long it's been, there are still those times when the grief catches up to us. It is then we revert to the coping mechanisms that got us through the beginning.

Today we remember.

We remember because they would want it that way. They would want us to think of them often but never in sadness.

Today we remember.

Like we could ever forget.

Memorial Day 2014

Sunday, May 11, 2014

For All You Are, For All You Do


Ever since I was little, I have noticed something about my mom. Every day, she has a good time.

Life hasn't always been easy for her nor has it been fair.

Yet, she continues to carry on. She continues to laugh. She continues to be strong. For that is all she knows.

She makes the world a little bit better. God knows she makes me a little bit better.

When I say my mom is my best friend, it's not in that cliché way. Okay, a little bit in that cliché way (regardless of how horrible I am being she still has to love me...she signed a contract.) However, even if she weren't my mom, I'd still choose her as my best friend. Even though, she has the ability to drive me absolutely bat shit crazy but there is no one I would rather share my adventures in life with.

She tells it like it is. She has no qualms about calling anyone on their bullshit. You always know where she stands because by golly, she's gonna tell you.

She is beautiful and honest. She is quick witted and smart. She is funny and wise. She loves her family more than anything in this world and may God take mercy on your soul if you hurt one of them.

She is feisty and sassy. Take note, if you ever see ol' G-A-I-L's hand go to her hip and a finger shoot up to your face, friend, you've got a few problems on your hands. Good luck with that.

She is a supporter. A cheerleader. A mediator. A mentor. An advocate.

She looks at everyone in this world and sees their beauty and potential. I now know where Ethan got it.

I hope that one day I can be as strong and comfortable in who I am as she is in herself.

Every day, I hope I make her proud.

I don't know if I'm there yet, but I'm working on it. Promise.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma Whitesel.

Love You The Most!

Monday, April 28, 2014

Coffee Shop Wisdom

If the term, “hell on wheels” could be exemplified in a human form, I think it would be this lady. She was probably in her early 80’s; barely five feet tall and maybe weighed 100 pounds soaking wet. Her face and hands told a story that perhaps she’s had a hard life. The wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled also told of a woman who wasn’t a stranger to happiness.  I don’t know her name. I probably never will.

I had stopped to get a cup of coffee (I take mine black, like my soul) before my shift started at my second job. I had about 30 minutes to kill so I sat down in the back of the shop just to think and clear my head.

“Do you love him, honey?” she said as she plopped down at the empty chair at my table.

She had startled the crap outta me.

“Pardon?” was all I could manage.

“Honey, it’s a simple yes or no question. Do you love him?”

I had to have looked at this women like she had completely lost her mind because let’s be honest, I thought she may have been off her meds.

“I guess I don’t understand the question.” I said.

“I’ve been watching you since you walked in here.” She countered, “I’ve seen that look before. I’ve worn that look before. There are two looks on a woman’s face that only a man can be responsible for: a smile bigger than a Buick and this furrowed eye brow thing you’ve got going on here. If you don’t love him, you at least care a whole lot about him. People that we don’t care about don’t possess that kind of power over us.”

This is the second time in two weeks that I have encountered Ghandi reincarnated as an elderly woman rocking a four-wheeled walker.

I am now just resigned to the fact that I am also going to meet eccentric people in eccentric places that say eccentric things and that’s just how it’s gonna be.

She just stared at me with her arms crossed, as if to dare me not to answer her.

“I guess I don’t know how I feel” was all I replied because quite honestly, this was a complete stranger.

“My advice to you, young lady, is to talk to him. What ever he did, whatever you did,  communication is what is going to make or break you. You've got to communicate. Without put downs, without yelling. Back and forth conversation. Maybe this man will be in your life forever; maybe just a short time. Maybe he is just an adventure. Maybe a lesson. If you think there is a chance that he might be worth it, you have got to fight like hell. If not walk away right now and smile for what it was.  But, honey, trust me, you are solving absolutely nothing by glaring at that coffee. Remember that.”

Quickly changing the subject, because, frankly, that’s a whole lot to process. I asked her about her family. She told me about her kids and grandkids. She told me about her late husband. All with this happiness that even now I can’t really put in to words.

 She asked about my family. I gave her the simplified version. Not wanting to be one of those people that just talks about themselves. I tried to ask more about her but she would have none of that. She insisted that I tell her more about my family. I toId her that my mom and dad are probably my two favorite people ever. I shared with her that my greatest fear on this earth would be to disappoint either of them. That I hope they will always be proud of me and that they respect my decisions even if they don’t always understand them.

She reached across the table and grabbed my hand and said, “Oh, honey, daddy’s aren’t supposed to like the men we choose. It’s their job not to.”

Alright, Teresa Caputo, what the hell is going on?
Unfortunately, I had to cut this conversation short so I could get to work. I apologized for having to leave so abruptly and thanked her. She stood and hugged me.

“Honey, you will figure it out or it will figure itself out,” she shouted as I walked out the door.
Every path we cross is for a reason.
God bless that crazy, beautiful, wise woman.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Runaway Days

"Kid, let me tell you what the secret to life is," she said, looking me straight in the eyes. I looked up and smiled. It doesn't matter that I am 28 years old, I think I am always going to be a person people refer to as, "Kid" and I am completely okay with it. Without any further hesitation, I put what I was doing down. Anticipating that the next thing out of her mouth would most definitely be a pearl of wisdom, I gave her my full attention.

Boy, was I right.

"The secret to life is to stop making plans. You gotta be willing to stop everything that you think needs to be done and go out and live a little. The dishes will be there tomorrow. Your work, it will be there tomorrow. The bills, they will be there. Live, Kid, you gotta live, that's the secret, simple as that."

Some of the greatest life lessons have came in moments like this.

"Kid, some of the best memories I have are when my husband and I would take off for the day on an adventure like we didn't have a care in the world. A full day with absolutely no plans. Those are what we call Runaway Days. We didn't have a lot of money but we sure made up for it in memories. And Kid, that's what gets me through times like today."

Having just met this woman, I was honored that she chose me to share these wise words  that reverberated in my soul.

"When's the last time you had a Runaway Day, Kid? You look like you could use one."

She patted my shoulder and then with that she walked out of the room.

I guess, I've always kind of considered myself a pretty go-with-the-flow kind of gal, but in all honesty, I don't think I've ever had a day like that.

That needs to change.

Life hasn't been exactly going in my favor lately. Perhaps, it's time for the pity party to cease. Maybe a few Runaway Days are just the trick...

Live life while there is still life to be lived.

Do something that you've never done before.

Stop scheduling everything.

Be a little outrageous.

Love who/what you want.

Don't be so damn hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.

Don't make work your life.

Do something that just absolutely scares the shit out of you.

Be willing to see the beauty in all things. It's there. Just look.

Don't rely on anyone else for your happiness. Make your own.

If someone wants to share their story with you, give them your full attention. A few simple words have the power to change your whole perspective. Listen.

In closing, I want to pose the same question to you: just when was the last time you had a Runaway Day?

You look like you could use one.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Things I have found to be true

The following is nothing more than my meandering thoughts. I am not taking ownership of every and all ideas. Some I've heard along the way, some I've experienced first hand, ALL are relevant.

18 Things I've found to be true as of 7:45 this evening

1)  Be nice to others. Genuinely smile at everyone you meet, actually acknowledge them. If you meet someone in the hallway or on the street ask them how they are....then actually wait to find out their answer. You never know the power that a smile and a few simple words may yield.

2) Do not become jaded. The world is full of so much ugliness and hate, do not let it consume you. I had little idea of how many callous, calculating individuals I would come in contact with throughout my life. I was also not prepared for the surplus of beautiful souls, either. Never underestimate anyone or overestimate them either, for that matter. People usually shock the hell out of me every day.

3) #idonotunderstandhashtags #istillusethemthough #ispunctuationrequiredinsaidhashtags #donthatetheplayerhatethegame #YOLO

4) Get to know your parents, I mean, really know them. Most likely, they are the coolest people you will ever meet. Parents are the best kind of friends because regardless of how you act, they HAVE to love you. They signed contracts...

5) The adage, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", is actually a real thing. Trust me on this one.

6) Just because you have a bunch of letters behind your name, does not give you license to treat anyone as if they are beneath you.  Some of the smartest people I have ever met in my life had no formal training. Some of the dumbest have graduated from accredited universities. This concept never ceases to amaze me.

7) Professionalism should be implied as part of your career, it should not have to be mentioned in the explanation. I am a Social Worker. I have never once said, "Hi, I'm Laura, I'm a Professional Social Worker." If someone has to use Professional as a precursor, they most likely are not one........

8) Nothing in life is free. Everything comes with a price. Sometimes you will pay with money. Some things are a little more costly, those are the items you will pay with, with a piece of your soul. Either way, don't bankrupt yourself.

9) Take too many pictures. Take them of yourself. Take them with the people you love. Take them of your dog. Just take them.

10) I firmly believe that your soul mates do not have to be romantic partners. They are the people you choose to share your life with. The people you text or call with news about your life. The people that love you through the good and the bad times and sometimes can't tell the difference between the two. They are the people who are blatantly honest with you. Who have the same humor, the same values, the same morals. Those are the people who make life worth it. The ones you could do everything or nothing with and still have a great time. The ones that love you, even if they think you are The Hot Mess Express, those are the people worth keeping around.

11) Do not be too idealistic. Don't let your expectations get in the way of something with the potential to be great. Model the traits in which you are seeking and perhaps you will encounter the type of individual you are hoping to find.

12) Don't take shit off of anyone. Stand up for what you believe in. Tell someone if they've hurt you. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are less than what you are. Be too busy worrying about your own happiness to give a second thought to what others think of you.

13) If "Ice, Ice, Baby" comes on the radio, dammit, sing along with it. Guaranteed, it will improve your mood.

14) Don't plan too far into the future or worry about it too much either. What ever will happen, will happen.

15) It's a probable law that if you go to Wal-mart looking a mess (I'm talking no shower, greasy hair in a bun, glasses, no make-up, sweat pants, cut off, slippers) you will inevitably run into your ex. Act like a boss (pronounced BAWWWSSSE) regardless.

16) Pizza and wine will not solve your problems...then again, they won't hurt the situation either.      

17) I still maintain that everyone should own a sword. Don't ask me why, I just think it is a necessary evil. You may thank me some day. You're welcome.

18) You know that tag on mattresses? The one that says, "Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law", should you ever encounter one of those, simply ask yourself, "What Would Laura Do?"

Sunday, March 9, 2014

If The Opportunity Were to Arise.....

I talk about my brother a lot. I write about him a lot. I don't know if this is right or wrong; but doing this is cathartic to me. I am not trying to make him some sort of martyr. I acknowledge that he wasn't perfect. That he indeed made many mistakes. With that being said,  I have mentioned before that as time passes, I worry that people are going to forget him, more specifically, that I am going to forget him. Talking about him helps me feel like his memory will live on. So, I will continue to do so because that is how I grieve.

I just finished watching Resurrection. I am not sure if it was the best choice but what is done is done, I guess. To give a brief rundown, if you haven't seen it, the first episode is about a young boy, who had passed away in an accident 32 years prior, that shows up at his parents doorstep. It proceeds to delve further into all the emotions that overcome his family. They question their emotions. They questions their sanity. They question God. Everything they believed to be true has vanished. Seeing this got me thinking, what would I do, what would I say if Ethan showed up today?

Don't alert the authorities, I am not having delusions that this could actually happen but I think it's a very human tendency to think about how we would react, given this opportunity. If only we had one more more more more conversation, with the ones we have lost.

But, what would I say? Would I even be able to speak. Would the last five years of grief manifest in anger? Would I  just bawl? Would he make fun of me for just bawling? (YES, yes he would). Would I direct-admit myself to a psych unit?  I can imagine I would spend the entire time questioning what was right in front of me as I have a tendency to do with most aspects of my life.

More importantly, I wonder what he would say....Would he walk up the drive way of the farm with a Marlboro Red in his hand singing some ridiculous song? (Guaranteed). Maybe he would take a spin on the Allis and play his infamous air guitar, hay season style. I do know he would have that lopsided, goofy-ass grin and shout, "What's up, hooker?"

Would he recognize the people that any of us have become in the five years since he left us? All of us essentially the same yet so wholly different that some days we don't recognize ourselves. Would he even like the people that we have become? Of course, he would.... he liked everyone.

I wonder if he would ask why I only visit his grave on his birthday and on mine. My guess is, he knows that I have shared a beer with him on both of our birthdays since I was 18 years old and come hell or high water, that tradition will continue. I am also betting that he knows that I don't connect with him at the cemetery. That plot of land is not my brother. That is not him and I do not believe for one second that his life can be condensed to some eight by four foot piece of land.

He would confirm that mom and dad are still nuttier than least some things will always be constant. (Just kidding)

He would laugh and tell us his stories. He would fire up that damn grill of his and have some ribs going in no time flat. He would call up everybody and their brother and carry on like no time had passed at all, because that was just who he was.

Regardless of the hypothetical questions that would be endless, given the opportunity, it is important to remember that we can talk to the ones we lost any time we want....and every so often, if we are lucky, they answer us back.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

When the rug is swept out from beneath you......

The way we think life is supposed to go often times gets in the way of how life ultimately tends to work out. Disillusionment at its finest, the figurative rug being swept out from beneath you, if you will. It happens in the most miniscule aspects of life all the way up to the most complex.

I actually began this post last week. The initial basis was out of anger and disgust. As I sit here now, I am writing from a much different perspective. Same principle, different concept. When things don't go quite as planned, getting angry changes absolutely nothing, but anger is what we so easily embrace.

Disappointment is all a part of human nature. We are a society that always wants more. We want the be thinner and prettier. We want to be funnier and happier. We want people to treat us right. We want life to be easy and struggle free. The truth of the matter is that disappointment can either consume you or drive you. That is your choice.

Love your body for what it is and what it can do. Eat healthy and excercise but don't deny yourself the occasional treat. You may be a size 4 or you may be a size 24, rock whichever one you are.

Don't look so closely at other people's happiness and compare it to your own. We are all fighting very difficult battles that others know nothing about. Some of the people who appear to have everything, are the most miserable. Remember that.

Sadly, some people are just assholes. They will always be just that. There is nothing you will do to change how they are but remember how they made you feel the next time you want to act like an asshole. Don't do it, just don't. Pray for those people, they pry need it more than anyone. If someone consistently treats you badly it implies something is wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. With that being said, keep in mind that the people we love the most also yield the power to hurt us in the most profound ways. Take time to acknowledge that no one is perfect and we all mess up.  Forgive when you need to.

Life, when truly lived, is messy. It is full of surprises and emotions and some of the most utterly amazing moments that are nothing short of breathtakingly beautiful. Enjoy life, truly enjoy it. Don't take yourself too seriously. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh; people who know all about you and your quirks and love you anyways. Do what makes you happy and don't you dare apologize for it. Give your heart away. Don't be afraid to tell others when they hurt you or how they make you feel.

So the next time your rug is swept out from beneath you and you want to absolutely lose your mind, take a few moments to lay on the ground, take a deep breath, and embrace what is about to come your way with an open mind.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Words Fail Me....

I am a conversationalist by nature. I can talk to just about anyone. Get me talking and there's not much that can quiet me down. I have always prided myself on being able to find the right words at the right time. It has came in handy in my personal and professional life. I am typically able to navigate difficult conversations and attempt to shed light on bleak situations and circumstances. Sometimes I am not sure if it is a curse or a blessing.

Tonight my sister's mom passed away. As I watch as her world crumbles at her feet, my heart breaks for her and I realize words fail me. I cannot fix my sister's agony. I cannot ease her pain.  There is not a damn thing that I could ever say to give her comfort. I had planned to say something profound when we got to Jen. At a time when I wanted to say something to bring her some solace,  I couldn't even speak, all I could do was hold her and say a silent prayer for God to ease her pain. It was in this moment that I realized I don't need to have all the right words. Talk is cheap. Actions speak volumes more than words ever could. Jen is my family and come hell or high water, I will be there for her and support her.

 Not even 24 hours ago, she was celebrating her 31st birthday. Today she is planning her mother's funeral. Life is not fair. She knows that more than anyone, she has lived that reality more than anyone. At 31, she has experienced more loss than someone twice her age. She has buried her father, her husband, and now she has to say good-bye her mom. And yet she carries on...will continue to carry on, with her head held high. I honestly don't know how she does it.  She possesses this inner strength that I have never witnessed by another.

Say a prayer for Jen tonight. Say a prayer for her family. Say a prayer for peace.

I love you the most, big sister.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

It is in these moments.....

The time has come for resolutions. With the promise of a new year, an essential blank slate upon us, it is easy to think about all the changes we can make. I have a whole long list of all the things that I can, wait, that I need to improve but those things will always be there. I think I am finally resigned to the fact that I will forever be wanting to improve myself, forever wanting more. We all are, or at least, should be.

Last night I rang in the New Year with some of the greatest people on this planet. As we sat around the table, as we usually do, and talked about nothing and everything all at the same time, I realized that this year there will be no resolutions for me. Resolutions are easily thrown away around mid-january or so. Instead of resolutions, I am gonna focus on just enjoying what is right in front of me, always. Stop asking, "why?" and start asking, "why not?".....

It is no big secret that I prefer to spend my time around people who are a tad bat-shit cray. Life is always a bit more interesting that way.  Last night as we laughed and carried on and said outrageous things, I realized that in moments like these, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My family and my friends love me sometimes more than I deserve and always push me to be better. That feeling is enough to hold me through an entire year. Everything else that comes my way, basically is just a cherry on top of the sundae. 

It is easy for me to type the above paragraphs sounding all enlightened, "No, no, resolutions for me." Ha....a mere half an hour ago, I was having a meltdown because I stepped on the scale for the first time in months. It's official. I now have a complex. It was in that meltdown that I found a piece of clarity.

Tomorrow does continue the path along my weight loss journey. I have some ground to make up for....a lot of there a distance measure bigger than miles? If there is, that is the amount of ground I have to make up for. I wish the weight came off as quick it goes back on.In the last several months,  I made conscious choices that set me back.  I so easily fell in to old habits. I ate what I wanted and how much I wanted and deviated from excercising. Plus, I like to drink a little.....who knew?  I made excuses. My choices got me back here and my choices will get me out.

Resolutions aside, tomorrow, I will continue with a Paleo-type approach to eating. I made up an incentive-type goal with my fitness coach that will most definitely keep me coming to classes every day, basically the incentive is that I don't to run stairs and because I still maintain one shouldn't run without being chased, I think that is just the motivation that a gal like me needs.  I know that this ride is not gonna be easy but I know it will be worth it in the end.

So to those of you who have been in my life for forever or maybe just awhile, thank you for everything you are and everything that you will continue to be.....