Over the weekend I celebrated my 30th birthday. A birthday I have been dreading for quite some time. I had spent all of last week in a funk. I couldn't help but fixate on the fact that my life doesn't look like I had always thought it would when I turned 30. I guess I just always thought I would have a lot more accomplished by now.
I am an over thinker, by nature. I observe, I review, I analyze. This can kinda make me a cranky asshole sometimes, but it's who I am. After much of the above listed occurred, I finally decided that my life isn't anywhere close to where I pictured it and, ya know what...Who the hell cares? I am happy and I am fulfilled and I am loved and that is all that matters.
I could list for days all that I haven't done but what about all I have done...
I learned early on that laughter is pretty much the key to anything. I have laughed lots, and for long periods of times, and since about the 8th grade with a distinctive wheeze (if you haven't heard The Wheeze, you are certainly missing out). I have known sadness but even more so I have known happiness. Humor draws you to people and vice versa. Life is all about the ride-might as well make sure it's fun.
I consider myself forever lucky to be surrounded by some of the very best people who have ever walked this Earth-You are all my greatest blessings. I am better because of you.
I have experienced what it is to forgive and to also be forgiven. I am lucky enough to know what it is to be loved without conditions and to also bestow that same love upon others. My love, along with my trust, has never been something I have given away easily and I may not always like you, but once I love you, I love you. That shit's probably not going away.
Every single day, I live. In the whole scheme of things, 30 years is not long at all. I have packed a lot of shenanigans into a short time. I have experienced what it means to truly live, not just go through the motions. I have been present when new life began and also when it ended. I know just how valuable life is and am fully aware that not everyone is given the luxury of living a long life.
When you are 20, you can't even fathom that you will eventually turn 30. I feel I should have put more thought into this, perhaps I would have treated my body a little nicer had I taken a little more consideration. While I turned 30 my liver felt like it was celebrating it's 60th birthday. All jokes aside, if it were all over tomorrow I'd have no regrets. No regrets that's what I always say...that any everybody Wang-Chung tonight.
I've known loss. I wear scars. I have scars on my body and scars in my heart. I think the deepest scar is the one I choose to wear over my heart. I look down and am reminded that life is fragile. That sometimes there are no do-overs, no second chances, and sadly, sometimes there are no tomorrows so you have to live the hell out of today. You've got to know sadness to know what it's like to truly be happy. Trust in the process. Perhaps, the hardest lesson in life is that sometimes when you lose, you also gain. Regardless, I know that there is nothing I'm not able to make it through because I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit.
As for the next 30 years-here's to keeping an open mind and an open heart...I've got a lot more lessons to learn.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.