Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Words Fail Me....

I am a conversationalist by nature. I can talk to just about anyone. Get me talking and there's not much that can quiet me down. I have always prided myself on being able to find the right words at the right time. It has came in handy in my personal and professional life. I am typically able to navigate difficult conversations and attempt to shed light on bleak situations and circumstances. Sometimes I am not sure if it is a curse or a blessing.

Tonight my sister's mom passed away. As I watch as her world crumbles at her feet, my heart breaks for her and I realize words fail me. I cannot fix my sister's agony. I cannot ease her pain.  There is not a damn thing that I could ever say to give her comfort. I had planned to say something profound when we got to Jen. At a time when I wanted to say something to bring her some solace,  I couldn't even speak, all I could do was hold her and say a silent prayer for God to ease her pain. It was in this moment that I realized I don't need to have all the right words. Talk is cheap. Actions speak volumes more than words ever could. Jen is my family and come hell or high water, I will be there for her and support her.

 Not even 24 hours ago, she was celebrating her 31st birthday. Today she is planning her mother's funeral. Life is not fair. She knows that more than anyone, she has lived that reality more than anyone. At 31, she has experienced more loss than someone twice her age. She has buried her father, her husband, and now she has to say good-bye her mom. And yet she carries on...will continue to carry on, with her head held high. I honestly don't know how she does it.  She possesses this inner strength that I have never witnessed by another.

Say a prayer for Jen tonight. Say a prayer for her family. Say a prayer for peace.

I love you the most, big sister.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

It is in these moments.....

The time has come for resolutions. With the promise of a new year, an essential blank slate upon us, it is easy to think about all the changes we can make. I have a whole long list of all the things that I can, wait, that I need to improve but those things will always be there. I think I am finally resigned to the fact that I will forever be wanting to improve myself, forever wanting more. We all are, or at least, should be.

Last night I rang in the New Year with some of the greatest people on this planet. As we sat around the table, as we usually do, and talked about nothing and everything all at the same time, I realized that this year there will be no resolutions for me. Resolutions are easily thrown away around mid-january or so. Instead of resolutions, I am gonna focus on just enjoying what is right in front of me, always. Stop asking, "why?" and start asking, "why not?".....

It is no big secret that I prefer to spend my time around people who are a tad bat-shit cray. Life is always a bit more interesting that way.  Last night as we laughed and carried on and said outrageous things, I realized that in moments like these, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My family and my friends love me sometimes more than I deserve and always push me to be better. That feeling is enough to hold me through an entire year. Everything else that comes my way, basically is just a cherry on top of the sundae. 

It is easy for me to type the above paragraphs sounding all enlightened, "No, no, resolutions for me." Ha....a mere half an hour ago, I was having a meltdown because I stepped on the scale for the first time in months. It's official. I now have a complex. It was in that meltdown that I found a piece of clarity.

Tomorrow does continue the path along my weight loss journey. I have some ground to make up for....a lot of ground....like miles....is there a distance measure bigger than miles? If there is, that is the amount of ground I have to make up for. I wish the weight came off as quick it goes back on.In the last several months,  I made conscious choices that set me back.  I so easily fell in to old habits. I ate what I wanted and how much I wanted and deviated from excercising. Plus, I like to drink a little.....who knew?  I made excuses. My choices got me back here and my choices will get me out.

Resolutions aside, tomorrow, I will continue with a Paleo-type approach to eating. I made up an incentive-type goal with my fitness coach that will most definitely keep me coming to classes every day, basically the incentive is that I don't to run stairs and because I still maintain one shouldn't run without being chased, I think that is just the motivation that a gal like me needs.  I know that this ride is not gonna be easy but I know it will be worth it in the end.

So to those of you who have been in my life for forever or maybe just awhile, thank you for everything you are and everything that you will continue to be.....