This one is for you........

Today is my 27th birthday. Some days I feel like I am about 75. Other days, I barely feel 16. Some days I feel like I have a grip on reality; others I feel like I am barely hanging on. Such is life, I guess. Maybe one of these days I will get it all figured out but hopefully not, 'cuz what fun would that be?

I often wonder what my 18 year old self would have to say about where my life has taken me. Back then I had it all figured out......I just thought I knew exactly who I was and what I was going to do with my life. In retrospect, I didn't know jack. Turns out being awesome does not constitute a profession and that when you go to college, a major will eventually become a necessary evil. I would have laughed my ass off if someone would have told me I would be doing what I am doing today and that I would be loving it. Funny how things turn out. Pretty much, my life is everything I never knew I always wanted.

I must admit, my first 27 years have been pretty outstanding but there is a part of my heart that is heavy with the celebration of my 27th year. For the last three years, I have been unable to spend my birthday with my best friend and until the good Lord calls me home, he will be absent from the celebration, but if I know Bubba, he has never been one to miss a party, so as this day in tinged with sorrow, I know that he is watching over and celebrating as well. (Probably drinking a few Old Milwakee Lights with Grandma and Poppa)

Being almost four years older than I, Bubba always got to do everything before I did. By the time I was old enough to do something, he had done it, it was old news... He went to school first, he learned to drive first, he went to college first, so on and so forth. Turning 27 is the first thing that I have ever done that he didn't get a chance to do. The thought makes my universe stall and humbles me to a point where there are no words......The only comfort I am given is that, that kid lived the hell out of the 26 years he was given.

My friend, Fallon, shared with me these words shared by her pastor: "When you lose a child, you lose your future. When you lose a parent, you lose your past; but when you lose a sibling, you lose your past, your present, and your future."

I am going to be honest, there are times that I am so damn mad that Ethan was denied the opportunity to live a long life that I cannot even process it. Sometimes I am mad at God. Sometimes I don't even know who my anger is directed at.  For the last three years I have let that loss and that anger take over my life. I turned to food to comfort me when I couldn't comfort myself. To fill the void, the remove the emptiness I felt in my soul. Look where that got me.

The loss of my brother will always be the cross that I bear, that my family bears; but it will no longer control me. So the only fitting way to honor my brother on my 27th year and to know that his death wasn't in vain, is to get healthy. Get healthy for me, for my family, and for him. Every year that he was denied, I vow to live with the same borderline reckless abandon and zest that he would have. I am going to stop hiding behind my grief. I am going to face it.

This one is for you, Bubba!