He was an adventure. A breath of fresh air in the monotonous routine that my life had become. He made me laugh. He made me think. He made me realize that the world had so much more to offer than the little corner of it that I occupied.
He was also a lesson.
Unfortunately, some lessons in life are more pleasant than others.
Sometimes people aren't who they say they are.Sometimes people hurt others and have virtually no remorse for it. I made the choice to cut all ties, he handed me the scissors. Even now, I have to remind myself of this.
It doesn't make it any easier.
I miss the good times. I try to forget about the bad. The bad times do not define me, they, however, speak volumes about him.
It may not have turned out the way I hoped but I am sure one day (Not today) I will look back and think of him and smile and maybe even thank him for letting me be a part of his crazy world for just a little while but again, not today.
This too shall pass. I was fine before I met him. I will be fine again. Forever changed but fine, none-the-less.
Just because you love someone does not mean they are meant to remain in your life and perhaps, that is the cruelest of all truths.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
To The Greatest Man I know....
Dad:
First off, I just want you to know that every day I hope I make you proud. I know I don't always get things right. I make a lot of mistakes. One day I will get it all figured out and even if I don't I know that you will always be a steady-constant in my life. I know that no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, you will always be there. There is nothing that I could ever say or do that would make you stop loving me...definitely mad enough to consider giving me up for adoption but never stop loving me. Remember, you signed a contract.
You and I are probably the exact definition of polar opposites. You are level-headed and logical.....I am well.....not either of those things. You appreciate my flair for the dramatic and allow me to do things my own way. I know that most times you wonder if we reside on the same planet. You have never once discouraged me from being true to myself and following my dreams. You may have not always understood me but you have always supported my choices. Do you remember when I was in graduate school and I wanted to quit weekly (sometimes daily)? Every time I thought I had reached my breaking point, you talked me down. Told me that one day all the hard work would pay off and eventually it did.
You gave me roots and wings-the greatest gift a dad could ever give his daughter.
Speaking of greatest gifts, thank you for loving my mom, for exemplifying what a healthy relationship looks like. You are our provider, our protector, our hero. You set some pretty high standards that most guys fall short of....thanks a heap for that.
You taught me that if something sounded too good to be true that it probably was and that the overall majority of people in this life are assholes but just because someone was an asshole to me didn't necessarily mean I had to be an asshole back. You taught to stand up for what I believe in even if that sometimes meant I will be standing alone and because of have learned what true strength really is.
You taught me at a young age that I have to work for everything that I want, that nothing in this world will ever be handed to me. I bet you don't know this, but one of my favorite things is when I pull into the farm and I see you sitting in the pasture looking at your family's 133 year-old legacy and smiling like you won the damn lottery. No one would ever know in those moments that you've paid for that farm ten times over with your own sweat, your own blood, and your own tears.
You showed me that living a life of honesty and decency is the true success story.
For all you've done, I could never thank you enough.
Love you the most,
Lou
First off, I just want you to know that every day I hope I make you proud. I know I don't always get things right. I make a lot of mistakes. One day I will get it all figured out and even if I don't I know that you will always be a steady-constant in my life. I know that no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, you will always be there. There is nothing that I could ever say or do that would make you stop loving me...definitely mad enough to consider giving me up for adoption but never stop loving me. Remember, you signed a contract.
You and I are probably the exact definition of polar opposites. You are level-headed and logical.....I am well.....not either of those things. You appreciate my flair for the dramatic and allow me to do things my own way. I know that most times you wonder if we reside on the same planet. You have never once discouraged me from being true to myself and following my dreams. You may have not always understood me but you have always supported my choices. Do you remember when I was in graduate school and I wanted to quit weekly (sometimes daily)? Every time I thought I had reached my breaking point, you talked me down. Told me that one day all the hard work would pay off and eventually it did.
You gave me roots and wings-the greatest gift a dad could ever give his daughter.
Speaking of greatest gifts, thank you for loving my mom, for exemplifying what a healthy relationship looks like. You are our provider, our protector, our hero. You set some pretty high standards that most guys fall short of....thanks a heap for that.
You taught me that if something sounded too good to be true that it probably was and that the overall majority of people in this life are assholes but just because someone was an asshole to me didn't necessarily mean I had to be an asshole back. You taught to stand up for what I believe in even if that sometimes meant I will be standing alone and because of have learned what true strength really is.
You taught me at a young age that I have to work for everything that I want, that nothing in this world will ever be handed to me. I bet you don't know this, but one of my favorite things is when I pull into the farm and I see you sitting in the pasture looking at your family's 133 year-old legacy and smiling like you won the damn lottery. No one would ever know in those moments that you've paid for that farm ten times over with your own sweat, your own blood, and your own tears.
You showed me that living a life of honesty and decency is the true success story.
For all you've done, I could never thank you enough.
Love you the most,
Lou
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Today We Remember
Today we remember.
We remember those who have served our country and those who have fallen for our country. All gave some, some gave all. For that we will always be grateful.
Today we remember.
We remember our loved ones who we have lost along the way. Their battles different than our military service men and women, but battles none-the-less.
Today we remember.
We remember their vest for life. We smile at their stories. And if we try real hard, we can still hear their laughter.
Today we remember.
We remember and we hold on like hell to that memory. Regardless of how we lost our loved one, we all have the desire for their legacy to live on. Our greatest fear is that others will forget.
Today we remember.
Like yesterday and the day before that.
Today we remember.
We remember the happy times. We remember the sad times. The sad times make the happy times that much sweeter.
Today we remember.
We remember when we see others who also live every day feeling the vast unfairness of a life lost too soon. We remember as we walk past one another. We don't have to even speak. A nod of the head and a look towards the ground sends a message in which words could never appropriately convey. Our grief is the same. Our grief is different. Only those who have felt that grief will understand what I am talking about.
Today we remember.
We remember that sometimes we still have to take every day, one at a time. If that becomes too much, we take it an by the hour, by the minute, by the second......Regardless of how long it's been, there are still those times when the grief catches up to us. It is then we revert to the coping mechanisms that got us through the beginning.
Today we remember.
We remember because they would want it that way. They would want us to think of them often but never in sadness.
Today we remember.
Like we could ever forget.
Memorial Day 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
For All You Are, For All You Do
Ever since I was little, I have noticed something about my mom. Every day, she has a good time. Every.damn.day.
Life hasn't always been easy for her nor has it been fair.
Yet, she continues to carry on. She continues to laugh. She continues to be strong. For that is all she knows.
She makes the world a little bit better. God knows she makes me a little bit better.
When I say my mom is my best friend, it's not in that cliché way. Okay, a little bit in that cliché way (regardless of how horrible I am being she still has to love me...she signed a contract.) However, even if she weren't my mom, I'd still choose her as my best friend. Even though, she has the ability to drive me absolutely bat shit crazy but there is no one I would rather share my adventures in life with.
She tells it like it is. She has no qualms about calling anyone on their bullshit. You always know where she stands because by golly, she's gonna tell you.
She is beautiful and honest. She is quick witted and smart. She is funny and wise. She loves her family more than anything in this world and may God take mercy on your soul if you hurt one of them.
She is feisty and sassy. Take note, if you ever see ol' G-A-I-L's hand go to her hip and a finger shoot up to your face, friend, you've got a few problems on your hands. Good luck with that.
She is a supporter. A cheerleader. A mediator. A mentor. An advocate.
She looks at everyone in this world and sees their beauty and potential. I now know where Ethan got it.
I hope that one day I can be as strong and comfortable in who I am as she is in herself.
Every day, I hope I make her proud.
I don't know if I'm there yet, but I'm working on it. Promise.
Happy Mother's Day, Momma Whitesel.
Love You The Most!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Coffee Shop Wisdom
If the term,
“hell on wheels” could be exemplified in a human form, I think it would be this
lady. She was probably in her early 80’s; barely five feet tall and maybe
weighed 100 pounds soaking wet. Her face and hands told a story that perhaps
she’s had a hard life. The wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled also told
of a woman who wasn’t a stranger to happiness.
I don’t know her name. I probably never will.
I had
stopped to get a cup of coffee (I take mine black, like my soul) before my
shift started at my second job. I had about 30 minutes to kill so I sat down in
the back of the shop just to think and clear my head.
“Do you love
him, honey?” she said as she plopped down at the empty chair at my table.
She had
startled the crap outta me.
“Pardon?”
was all I could manage.
“Honey, it’s
a simple yes or no question. Do you love him?”
I had to
have looked at this women like she had completely lost her mind because let’s
be honest, I thought she may have been off her meds.
“I guess I
don’t understand the question.” I said.
“I’ve been
watching you since you walked in here.” She countered, “I’ve seen that look
before. I’ve worn that look before. There are two looks on a woman’s face that
only a man can be responsible for: a smile bigger than a Buick and this
furrowed eye brow thing you’ve got going on here. If you don’t love him, you at
least care a whole lot about him. People that we don’t care about don’t possess
that kind of power over us.”
This is the
second time in two weeks that I have encountered Ghandi reincarnated as an
elderly woman rocking a four-wheeled walker.
I am now
just resigned to the fact that I am also going to meet eccentric people in eccentric
places that say eccentric things and that’s just how it’s gonna be.
She just
stared at me with her arms crossed, as if to dare me not to answer her.
“I guess I
don’t know how I feel” was all I replied because quite honestly, this was a
complete stranger.
“My advice
to you, young lady, is to talk to him. What ever he did, whatever you did, communication is what is going to make
or break you. You've got to communicate. Without put downs, without yelling. Back and forth conversation. Maybe this man will be in
your life forever; maybe just a short time. Maybe he is just an adventure.
Maybe a lesson. If you think there is a chance that he might be worth it,
you have got to fight like hell. If not walk away right now and smile for what it
was. But, honey, trust me, you are
solving absolutely nothing by glaring at that coffee. Remember that.”
Quickly
changing the subject, because, frankly, that’s a whole lot to process. I asked
her about her family. She told me about her kids and grandkids. She told me
about her late husband. All with this happiness that even now I can’t really
put in to words.
She asked about my family. I gave her the
simplified version. Not wanting to be one of those people that just talks about
themselves. I tried to ask more about her but she would have none of that. She
insisted that I tell her more about my family. I toId her that my mom and dad
are probably my two favorite people ever. I shared with her that my greatest
fear on this earth would be to disappoint either of them. That I hope they will
always be proud of me and that they respect my decisions even if they don’t always
understand them.
She reached
across the table and grabbed my hand and said, “Oh, honey, daddy’s aren’t
supposed to like the men we choose. It’s their job not to.”
Alright,
Teresa Caputo, what the hell is going on?
Unfortunately,
I had to cut this conversation short so I could get to work. I apologized for
having to leave so abruptly and thanked her. She stood and hugged me.
“Honey, you
will figure it out or it will figure itself out,” she shouted as I walked out
the door.
Every path we cross is for a reason.
God bless
that crazy, beautiful, wise woman.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Runaway Days
"Kid, let me tell you what the secret to life is," she said, looking me straight in the eyes. I looked up and smiled. It doesn't matter that I am 28 years old, I think I am always going to be a person people refer to as, "Kid" and I am completely okay with it. Without any further hesitation, I put what I was doing down. Anticipating that the next thing out of her mouth would most definitely be a pearl of wisdom, I gave her my full attention.
Boy, was I right.
"The secret to life is to stop making plans. You gotta be willing to stop everything that you think needs to be done and go out and live a little. The dishes will be there tomorrow. Your work, it will be there tomorrow. The bills, they will be there. Live, Kid, you gotta live, that's the secret, simple as that."
Some of the greatest life lessons have came in moments like this.
"Kid, some of the best memories I have are when my husband and I would take off for the day on an adventure like we didn't have a care in the world. A full day with absolutely no plans. Those are what we call Runaway Days. We didn't have a lot of money but we sure made up for it in memories. And Kid, that's what gets me through times like today."
Having just met this woman, I was honored that she chose me to share these wise words that reverberated in my soul.
"When's the last time you had a Runaway Day, Kid? You look like you could use one."
She patted my shoulder and then with that she walked out of the room.
I guess, I've always kind of considered myself a pretty go-with-the-flow kind of gal, but in all honesty, I don't think I've ever had a day like that.
That needs to change.
Life hasn't been exactly going in my favor lately. Perhaps, it's time for the pity party to cease. Maybe a few Runaway Days are just the trick...
Live life while there is still life to be lived.
Do something that you've never done before.
Stop scheduling everything.
Be a little outrageous.
Love who/what you want.
Don't be so damn hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.
Don't make work your life.
Do something that just absolutely scares the shit out of you.
Be willing to see the beauty in all things. It's there. Just look.
Don't rely on anyone else for your happiness. Make your own.
If someone wants to share their story with you, give them your full attention. A few simple words have the power to change your whole perspective. Listen.
In closing, I want to pose the same question to you: just when was the last time you had a Runaway Day?
You look like you could use one.
Boy, was I right.
"The secret to life is to stop making plans. You gotta be willing to stop everything that you think needs to be done and go out and live a little. The dishes will be there tomorrow. Your work, it will be there tomorrow. The bills, they will be there. Live, Kid, you gotta live, that's the secret, simple as that."
Some of the greatest life lessons have came in moments like this.
"Kid, some of the best memories I have are when my husband and I would take off for the day on an adventure like we didn't have a care in the world. A full day with absolutely no plans. Those are what we call Runaway Days. We didn't have a lot of money but we sure made up for it in memories. And Kid, that's what gets me through times like today."
Having just met this woman, I was honored that she chose me to share these wise words that reverberated in my soul.
"When's the last time you had a Runaway Day, Kid? You look like you could use one."
She patted my shoulder and then with that she walked out of the room.
I guess, I've always kind of considered myself a pretty go-with-the-flow kind of gal, but in all honesty, I don't think I've ever had a day like that.
That needs to change.
Life hasn't been exactly going in my favor lately. Perhaps, it's time for the pity party to cease. Maybe a few Runaway Days are just the trick...
Live life while there is still life to be lived.
Do something that you've never done before.
Stop scheduling everything.
Be a little outrageous.
Love who/what you want.
Don't be so damn hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.
Don't make work your life.
Do something that just absolutely scares the shit out of you.
Be willing to see the beauty in all things. It's there. Just look.
Don't rely on anyone else for your happiness. Make your own.
If someone wants to share their story with you, give them your full attention. A few simple words have the power to change your whole perspective. Listen.
In closing, I want to pose the same question to you: just when was the last time you had a Runaway Day?
You look like you could use one.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Things I have found to be true
The following is nothing more than my meandering thoughts. I am not taking ownership of every and all ideas. Some I've heard along the way, some I've experienced first hand, ALL are relevant.
18 Things I've found to be true as of 7:45 this evening
1) Be nice to others. Genuinely smile at everyone you meet, actually acknowledge them. If you meet someone in the hallway or on the street ask them how they are....then actually wait to find out their answer. You never know the power that a smile and a few simple words may yield.
2) Do not become jaded. The world is full of so much ugliness and hate, do not let it consume you. I had little idea of how many callous, calculating individuals I would come in contact with throughout my life. I was also not prepared for the surplus of beautiful souls, either. Never underestimate anyone or overestimate them either, for that matter. People usually shock the hell out of me every day.
3) #idonotunderstandhashtags #istillusethemthough #ispunctuationrequiredinsaidhashtags #donthatetheplayerhatethegame #YOLO
4) Get to know your parents, I mean, really know them. Most likely, they are the coolest people you will ever meet. Parents are the best kind of friends because regardless of how you act, they HAVE to love you. They signed contracts...
5) The adage, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", is actually a real thing. Trust me on this one.
6) Just because you have a bunch of letters behind your name, does not give you license to treat anyone as if they are beneath you. Some of the smartest people I have ever met in my life had no formal training. Some of the dumbest have graduated from accredited universities. This concept never ceases to amaze me.
7) Professionalism should be implied as part of your career, it should not have to be mentioned in the explanation. I am a Social Worker. I have never once said, "Hi, I'm Laura, I'm a Professional Social Worker." If someone has to use Professional as a precursor, they most likely are not one........
8) Nothing in life is free. Everything comes with a price. Sometimes you will pay with money. Some things are a little more costly, those are the items you will pay with, with a piece of your soul. Either way, don't bankrupt yourself.
9) Take too many pictures. Take them of yourself. Take them with the people you love. Take them of your dog. Just take them.
10) I firmly believe that your soul mates do not have to be romantic partners. They are the people you choose to share your life with. The people you text or call with news about your life. The people that love you through the good and the bad times and sometimes can't tell the difference between the two. They are the people who are blatantly honest with you. Who have the same humor, the same values, the same morals. Those are the people who make life worth it. The ones you could do everything or nothing with and still have a great time. The ones that love you, even if they think you are The Hot Mess Express, those are the people worth keeping around.
11) Do not be too idealistic. Don't let your expectations get in the way of something with the potential to be great. Model the traits in which you are seeking and perhaps you will encounter the type of individual you are hoping to find.
12) Don't take shit off of anyone. Stand up for what you believe in. Tell someone if they've hurt you. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are less than what you are. Be too busy worrying about your own happiness to give a second thought to what others think of you.
13) If "Ice, Ice, Baby" comes on the radio, dammit, sing along with it. Guaranteed, it will improve your mood.
14) Don't plan too far into the future or worry about it too much either. What ever will happen, will happen.
15) It's a probable law that if you go to Wal-mart looking a mess (I'm talking no shower, greasy hair in a bun, glasses, no make-up, sweat pants, cut off, slippers) you will inevitably run into your ex. Act like a boss (pronounced BAWWWSSSE) regardless.
16) Pizza and wine will not solve your problems...then again, they won't hurt the situation either.
17) I still maintain that everyone should own a sword. Don't ask me why, I just think it is a necessary evil. You may thank me some day. You're welcome.
18) You know that tag on mattresses? The one that says, "Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law", should you ever encounter one of those, simply ask yourself, "What Would Laura Do?"
3) #idonotunderstandhashtags #istillusethemthough #ispunctuationrequiredinsaidhashtags #donthatetheplayerhatethegame #YOLO
4) Get to know your parents, I mean, really know them. Most likely, they are the coolest people you will ever meet. Parents are the best kind of friends because regardless of how you act, they HAVE to love you. They signed contracts...
5) The adage, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", is actually a real thing. Trust me on this one.
6) Just because you have a bunch of letters behind your name, does not give you license to treat anyone as if they are beneath you. Some of the smartest people I have ever met in my life had no formal training. Some of the dumbest have graduated from accredited universities. This concept never ceases to amaze me.
7) Professionalism should be implied as part of your career, it should not have to be mentioned in the explanation. I am a Social Worker. I have never once said, "Hi, I'm Laura, I'm a Professional Social Worker." If someone has to use Professional as a precursor, they most likely are not one........
8) Nothing in life is free. Everything comes with a price. Sometimes you will pay with money. Some things are a little more costly, those are the items you will pay with, with a piece of your soul. Either way, don't bankrupt yourself.
9) Take too many pictures. Take them of yourself. Take them with the people you love. Take them of your dog. Just take them.
10) I firmly believe that your soul mates do not have to be romantic partners. They are the people you choose to share your life with. The people you text or call with news about your life. The people that love you through the good and the bad times and sometimes can't tell the difference between the two. They are the people who are blatantly honest with you. Who have the same humor, the same values, the same morals. Those are the people who make life worth it. The ones you could do everything or nothing with and still have a great time. The ones that love you, even if they think you are The Hot Mess Express, those are the people worth keeping around.
11) Do not be too idealistic. Don't let your expectations get in the way of something with the potential to be great. Model the traits in which you are seeking and perhaps you will encounter the type of individual you are hoping to find.
12) Don't take shit off of anyone. Stand up for what you believe in. Tell someone if they've hurt you. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are less than what you are. Be too busy worrying about your own happiness to give a second thought to what others think of you.
13) If "Ice, Ice, Baby" comes on the radio, dammit, sing along with it. Guaranteed, it will improve your mood.
14) Don't plan too far into the future or worry about it too much either. What ever will happen, will happen.
15) It's a probable law that if you go to Wal-mart looking a mess (I'm talking no shower, greasy hair in a bun, glasses, no make-up, sweat pants, cut off, slippers) you will inevitably run into your ex. Act like a boss (pronounced BAWWWSSSE) regardless.
16) Pizza and wine will not solve your problems...then again, they won't hurt the situation either.
17) I still maintain that everyone should own a sword. Don't ask me why, I just think it is a necessary evil. You may thank me some day. You're welcome.
18) You know that tag on mattresses? The one that says, "Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law", should you ever encounter one of those, simply ask yourself, "What Would Laura Do?"
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