It's been awhile.......

Losing weight.

A simple enough statement. How hard could it possibly be? I began this journey roughly 5 months ago. I figured that once I got down the "basics" of living a healthy lifestyle that the rest would be a breeze........Riiiiiiight, about that........

Five months later, I continue to struggle. I struggle with what I should eat compared to what I want to eat. I struggle with excercising daily. I struggle with my emotions. I struggle with who I am. I am learning that I have to give myself some room to breathe. If I want to have a king size Reese for supper and nothing else, it's okay, as long as I don't make that a staple in my diet. It's okay if I don't excercise every day as long as I don't allow myself to become sedentary again. It's okay, Laura, it's okay.

The stuggle with myself is another story. I have been in this huge funk lately. I feel like I have my life all lined up- I have a house, a good job, a Master's Degree, an awesome family, the greatest friends, and yet I feel like I am just sitting back waiting for it all to start. It's hard to put in to words, but it's like I'm watching from the audience. Here's hoping that one of these days everything just clicks.

Yesterday, I weighed in. I have finally lost all of my holiday weight. Nothing pisses you off more than having to lose the same ten pounds that you just finished losing

 The grand total is 40 pounds.

Forty pounds, such a romantic notion in theory, however, any female that has ever lost weight knows that the areas that we want to shrink never do and the areas that we wish would stay the same are the first to go. That being said, at this rate, I should be rocking a 32AA in no time flat. The hard-core, militant feminist in me says, "THAT'S JUST FINE!" the hypocrite in me screams, "IMPLANTS!"

The battle will be long and in the end it's only with myself.

A year from now I hope to start a post similair to this opening; only it will read:

Lost Weight.

xoxo

No Looking Back Now.....

What a year 2012 was! A whirlwind, to say the least. A year that was mostly good, a tad-bit bad, sprinkled with a dash of crazy....just to keep things legit.  I think I have learned more about myself this year, than any before.

I learned that I was living a lifestyle that was digging me an early grave one double cheeseburger at a time. I learned that living healthy looks much easier than it actually is. I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. That asking for help is not a sign of weakness. That I am much more of a whiner than I even knew. I feel bad for my workout partners because I complain the whole time I am exercising without exceptions. Seriously, THE WHOLE TIME! Hell, I start complaining about an hour prior to even starting to exercise.

Most importantly, I learned that I am the luckiest girl alive because from the moment I realized that I needed to change I have had nothing but unconditional love and support from my friends and family. That support inspires me on days that I have trouble finding the motivation.

I have to admit, the holidays have not been good for me. Mistakenly, I gave myself permission to lose focus the last few weeks.  I haven't exercised and basically reverted back to my pre-August eating habits....Big mistake...Big.... HUGE! :)  Live and learn, I guess. I know now how easily one bad meal, leads to two, leads to a complete loss of control. A snowball effect, if you will.

Today started a New Year. I am not going to wallow in the fact that I back pedaled. I am going to move forward. Start fresh. That's what this is all about. It's not realistic to be good all of the time but it is a definite reality for me that I have to keep on trucking down the right road.

This year there is not going to be any hindsight-should have, could have, and would have's. I am through with that mentality. I am going to continue living healthy. No resolutions that I give up on in a month. No resolutions at all.....just health, plain and simple.

This year I am going to run my first 5k and pending my survival of that, hopefully the first of many. No looking back....I've got a good feeling, kids.

Let It Be Christmas

I learned about love and happiness riding in the backseat of a white Dodge Dynasty looking at Christmas lights with my Poppa Leon and my Grandma Carol. Every single year when we were little, they would take Ethan and I around Hastings looking at all the lights. Little did I know at the time just how big of an impact those memories would have on my life.   I can still hear Grandma singing to Bing Crosby Christmas (on cassette, of course) and Poppa humming the wrong tune to it. It was during these times that I learned the true meaning of family.


Grandma Carol loved Christmas. We would come visit for Thankgiving dinner and her house would have been transformed in to this Christmas wonderland. She even had Christmas hand towels for the bathroom. Each week her house would get more and more holiday-fied. She wanted her whole family together for the holidays. She loved each of us for our unique qualites and ALL of us because we were hers.

 She would wake up long before the rest of us on Christmas morning to start the holiday dinner. Then we all waited patiently until everyone was awake before we could look at presents from Santa. All five of us grandkids were still reeling from seeing Santa (Poppa) the night before.

Later on in the day, we would open presents from the rest of the family. Grandma had this tradition, presents were opened in the order of youngest to oldest, she, of course, being the oldest. I think mainly it was so she could sit back and look at all of our reactions while we opened our gifts. As the years have passed life has changed us. Our family structure has changed. We have welcomed new life, new love and have mourned the loss of three of our main characters. I feel a little sorry for our spouses and significant others because they have to be initiated into the chaos. The rest of us have had our whole lives to adjust to our nutty family. :)

We keep some of the same traditions and have added new ones.  Dad still tries to get us to skip over his turn when opening presents and Mom still gets to talking and just opens out of order. Teri and I are no longer the babies and Uncle Doug has to open his presents last, but the love and hope that Grandma and Poppa instilled in us will always remain.

You see, Christmas with Grandma and Poppa was not about the gifts. It was not about the food.....okay it was a little bit about the food, but you can't really say you lived if you never tried Grandma's cooking. Christmas is about family. It's about unconditional love. It's about making time in our busy lives for each other. It's about laughing and carrying on.

This Christmas I am filled with this bittersweet nostalgia. I long for those holidays of my younger days. Somedays I miss my grandparents so much I can't breathe. I can't figure out this heaviness in my heart this year. This is not the first Christmas I have spent without either of them..... I don't know if it's because the world we are living in is so full of hate and ugliness or if I'm just getting older and the magic of Christmas has faded.

My advice for today,  just let it be Christmas. Enjoy your family. Sit back and truly enjoy each other. Revel in the memories that you are creating. For one day, those memories will have the be what holds you throughout the holiday season. Merry Christmas!!!!!

Will I Ever Like Running?????

 You know those people who describe themselves as "runners"? The ones that have it on a list of things that they actually enjoy? I WILL NEVER, EVER BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!! EVER!! I know it's good for me. I know I feel better after I do it. I know that it is necessary for a healthy lifestyle....but I straight-up do not like running. I am beginning to think that people who run over five miles in one setting are obviously "running" from something far bigger than my scope-of-practice, as a social worker.....If you are one of these people, you should definitely consider contacting Dr. Phil to help you figure that all out.............Kidding! I will probably never whole-heartedly love it, but all due respect to those who do. In all honesty, working out is getting easier. I am so blessed to have such an excellent support team that encourages me to go work out. They are with me every step of the way. They hold me accountable; which, let's face it, is something that I need.

Nichole and I are looking into doing some 5k's in the early spring in preparation for The Warrior Dash. I mean, I need to know if I can live through an ordinary 5k. If I can survive that, the probability of living through The Warrior Dash increases greatly. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I have serious concerns about my survival during that race. Did you know that there have been actual fatalities during these races? I'm pretty sure that information is never used in a marketing campaign.We are thinking about the Color Me Rad run in May. It just warms my heart to know that both of these runs are near Omaha and Lincoln where physicians are at the forefront of the most innovative care. :)

I have been continuing to do research on the best eating plan for my lifestyle change. I think the best approach is low-carb, clean-eating. Tonight, I cooked chicken thighs with a little olive oil, lemon juice, and Italian Seasoning mix and with it some sauteed onions and green peppers. I have to add that as I was finishing supper up, I wasn't sure or not if it was cooked fully. I asked my sister if we had a food thermometer. As I am asking I am thinking to myself, "why would we have a food thermometer, we probably don't even own an actual thermometer?" Much to my surprise, she informed me that we only had a regular thermometer and I feel it necessary mention that Jennifer did not find it funny that I wanted to use it to temp a couple of chicken thighs. Everyone is a critic.

I also have to report that I am still only down 34 pounds. The reason that hasn't changed is that over the Thanksgiving holiday I kinda went all crazy. I clearly have problems with moderation....I can't even do moderation, in moderation. Boundaries, people, I need boundaries. Obviously, I forgot that Bud Light is not a food group and that Texas T-Bone, Prime Rib, and Mcdonald's probably are not okay all on the same weekend. Sadly, It's taken me a few weeks to take off the extra pounds. It's frusturating because I worked so hard to lose them and in a matter of days they were right back. I have to keep reminding myself that it is okay to not eat well all of the time. The important part is to get back on track because I don't want what I have worked so hard for to slip right through the cracks.

Sticks and Stones............

Obese Mannequin Offends Some Reddit Users


 Take a minute to go to the above link and look it over.


Before I go on...

 Is it just me or are the similarities uncanny?

I read the above article today on the way home from a conference in Omaha. Don't worry, I wasn't driving. On the three hour commute, I also had a chance to read through some of the debate on the Reddit Website. I want to take the time to address those with the negative responses, not that they will ever see it or be enlightened enough to process it, but perhaps it will give me some peace of mind.

I am more than a little offended by some of the statements that I read. I realized that most of those negative comments are made by passive-aggressive morons who hide behind a generic screen name and terrorize others in an attempt to make themselves feel better about their menial lives. I have my doubts that if one of those individuals, who were so bold, in the comfort of the cyber world, were standing in front of me (or any other overweight person) they would be so brazen. It's pry a good thing because I would most likely go a lil Redneck on their dumb asses.

Having sometime to process this, I was able to distinquish the true difference between me and the "fat haters" and it has nothing to do with weight. It 100 percent has to do with perception. Perceptions of themselves and those different from them.  My parents taught me to stand up for myself and for what I believe in. They taught me integrity. They taught me that I had value and worth and that those two things have absolutely nothing to do with the size of jeans that I wear. Every day growing up, they told me I was beautiful. They told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. They spents years building up what strangers could knock down in a series of words.   I have to step back and realize that not every one was blessed with the support system that I have.  Most likely, no one ever  took the time to tell them they were worthwhile.

I am in no way promoting my body size or lifestyle choices. I accept complete responsibility for being overweight. It was my choices and mine alone that lead me to where I am. I am fat but for the most part, I consider myself healthy and each day I feel a little bit healthier. Even if from this point on I didn't lose anymore weight I would be okay. I am reminded of my friend, Whitney's words, that the battle I am fighting right now is not about weight, it's about health. I want to get healthy and be healthy.

I have spent my whole life being the fat girl. I have smiled and pretended it was okay when people (friends and even family) made comments and jokes about my weight or other overweight people. I held my head high when people said these horrible things about how I look, because I was taught that I was better than cruel words-that they do not define me. In my mind, I know that both of those things are true, it's just my heart that I sometimes have to convince.

 My personal favorite was when someone came up to me and said, "Laura,  You're never going to get married until you lose some weight." Really? Really?  Had I been thinking on my toes, I would have said, "That's funny because you found a husband and you're ugly AND have no personality." Good thing ladies don't say such things. :) The fact that I am not married couldn't have any correlation with the fact that the majority of guys in the area are D-bags, now could it?

All of this rambling on an article about a mannequin....sheesh..... I think the part that I was most bothered by was the fact that being plus-sized is synonymous with ugliness. Notice that the depicted mannequin's hair is not done and that she is not wearing make up. That is absolutely accurate, fat people don't care enough about themselves to even bother looking decent. I like to think that although I am overweight, that I usually look presentable ( Please note that I use the term presentable rather loosely if when you see me falls on a weekend). To my knowledge,I don't think people meet me on the street and want to throw up, but I guess, I could be mistaken. I have found that the people that truly matter in life care far more about what's inside of your head than outside.

Be.Who.You.Are.

People are always going to find something to be conflicted about. The people on the Reddit website are worried that obesity is going to be considered the norm.   I, however, am worried about living a world where I have to tell my daughter or son that they will be judged by how they look, not who they are....that's the kind of shit that keeps me up at night.

Thankful

In true Thanksgiving spirit I thought it would only be fitting to take the time to express some of the things that I am thankful for each and every day.

My Parents- I share my last name with two of the craziest people who have ever graced this earth. They are also the greatest people who have ever lived. Two people who have never been handed anything in their life. They have worked their asses off for all that they have. They taught me that I could achieve anything that I wanted. They gave me roots and wings and told me I could be anything we wanted to be. They have been the greatest example of unconditional love, honesty, and integrity. Apparently, being stubborn and hard-headed are recessive traits; and because of this I am not afraid to stand my ground and fight for what I believe in. For that, I 
                                                                                                       will always be thankful.
                                                                                             Love you both to the moon and back!

Jennifer- The sister that God forgot to give me. It's probably a good thing that she isn't my biological sibling, being as though she married my brother, because, if I am not mistaken, that is illegal and generally frowned upon, unless, of course, we resided in Arkansas. :) I will forever be thankful that she is a part of my life. I am all the better for knowing her. She taught me that family has less to do with blood and more to do with love. She is also one of the strongest people I have ever me. She has been through so much and yet she never gives up hope. I love you, big sister.

Ethan- I am thankful for the 23 years I was given with my brother. I am thankful for his support, for his friendship, and for his laughter.

My Family- I am thankful for the rest of my crazy family. Again, some of the greatest people to ever live and by far, the funnest. We all share an unrelenting bond that transcends generations. I love you all so much.

My Friends- I have the greatest friends ever! Each and every one of them different but all so wonderful in their own way. Some that I have known forever and some only a short time, yet all of them fantastic. It doesn't matter if I see them every day or once a year, we all just pick right up where we left off. Also, it is an amazing feeling knowing that when "the chips are down" that my friends will be there, no questions asked. Thank you all for being you.

Second Chances- Every day I am thankful for second chances. I am thankful that I have been given the opportunity to make the life changes necessary to be healthy. I am thankful that my wake up call came before it was too late. I am also thankful for all of the support that everyone has showed me in this journey. You are all wonderful.

Work Out Buddies- I am thankful for my Nichole and Deb, standing by me, and giving me the motivation to consistently work out, even when I don't want to and make about a bizillion excuses not to do it. Thank you for not dealing with my nonsense and for listening to me complain-You guys are the best work out buddies, ever.

___________________________________________________________________________

It has been a while since my last blog and  I have some fun updates.......

 At my last weigh-in, I was down 34 pounds!!!!!!!!- Small progress, in the long battle that I have ahead of me but, progess, none the less. I am proud because each and every pound was a hard-fought battle. A battle between what I wanted to eat and what I did eat. The choice is up to me. This time, I will win. I am not saying that I am the portrait of healthy eating all the time. I don't always make the best food choices but I make adjustments and know that I don't have to deprive myself to be successful. The key is to always get back on track. I also think alot about the battle I have losing the weight, I know that the battle to keep the weight off will be a lifetime one but a small price to pay for a long life.

I run now..... without anyone chasing me. Okay, I use the term run pretty loosely, because, it is more of a SLOW jog, but dammit, it is way more than I was doing just a few short months ago. I "run" for about 30 seconds and then walk for several minutes, ya know, until my oxygen levels return to a safe level. It's exciting and frustrating and exhilirating, all at the same time....

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!

Temporary Bouts of Insanity......

Pahaha....More like permanent bouts of insanity mixed with short periods of lucidity.......story of my life.

 I have some exciting news. My friend, Nichole and I have registered for The Warrior Dash this coming June!!!!! It's officially, official. Until yesterday, I had no idea what The Warrior Dash was but like all paramount decisions in my life, I first agreed and then gathered the facts. Little did I know that this race would entail mud bogging, barbed wire, wall climbing, and FIRE. My inner-pyro was more than a little pumped about the fire aspect.

I know what you are all pondering to yourselves..."I have never seen Laura Whitesel run." And that thought would be absolutely accurate. I am not much of a runner. In fact, I hate running. It doesn't even look fun. I have always maintained that one should not run unless they are being chased.... So why did I agree to an extreme 5K, you ask? Well, that is simple-I am nuts. Plus, it's not a huge secret that I may have problems with moderation. So something like The Warrior Dash seems right up my alley.

 I am at a point where I have found myself at many, many times before. The only thing different this time is that the story doesn't end here. I am picking myself up and brushing myself off because I may have stumbled but this time I will not fall. Nichole suggesting The Warrior Dash couldn't have come at a better time. This last week I have been lacking in inclination. I am eating things that I know I shouldn't. I am not exercising like I should be. I needed that push. I needed some motivation. Knowing that I have already registered holds me accountable. It also gives me something to be excited about and something to work towards. I also forgot to mention that each registrant will receive their very own viking hat. I'm not trying to brag or anything but I'm fairly certain Nichole and I will make pretty B.A. vikings.

I am all about setting attainable goals so because this is my first run I am only going to have two very simple goals. 1) Survival-my greatest hope is to live through the race :) 2) Finish the race-it doesn't matter if I am the last one to cross the finish line six days later, I am going to do it.

Stay tuned for all the training shenanigans.....there's bound to be a few good stories involved.