Clean(er) Eating

I have spent the last two weeks focusing on eating cleaner. Avoiding processed foods. Focusing on lower carb. Sticking mostly to leaner meats, vegetables, and fruit. I have done bunches of research on the Paleo Approach to eating. Seriously, if you ever want to scare the heck outta yourself look into what preservatives do to your body. Perhaps, do a bit of research on Margarine or low-fat butter spray.....YEEEEEEEEEEE............The basis of my version of clean(er) eating/living is similar to Paleo except I eat cheese and Ranch and I still drink the occasional beer. Not because they provide any major health benefits but more so because I LOVE them! Changing my lifestyle has been about living better in the hopes of impoving my health and essentially extending my life. I have decided I have no interest in living in a world where I can't have some damn Ranch dressing. Chose your battles, I guess.

 I am slowly learning to like fruits. Okay, that was kinda a lie. My favorite fruit is and always will be Jello with salt on it but I have been forcing myself to try a different variety of fruits. My most recent  snack has been frozen Lemon Drop Melon. Not too shabby! I have to get pretty creative not only with what I eat, but with how. I have a huge texture aversion. If it's anywhere near a mushy consistency, I cannot handle it. Stick a traditionally mushy (ish) fruit in the freezer, Viola, I don't have to gag on it. Sounds like a win/win situation, if you ask me.

Tonight I tried cauliflower "rice" for the first time. I took a half of head of cauliflower and ran it through the food processor. I sauteed it in some butter with Worchestersire Sauce and fresh garlic. I had it with a pork chop and some greens (WITH RANCH AND CHEESE...BOOM) and a couple slices of tomato. Pretty darn tasty!

I am continuing with Boot Camp workouts three times a week. I really  love boot camp because it is always something different. If there are things that I cannot do, the trainer modifies them so I still get all the benefits of the excercise. The hardest part is the act of getting there. Once I am there, I am fine but I fight with myself all day over what I want to do versus what I should do.  I have also been trying to mix in some walking and jogging throughout the week, as well. Basically, it's just an excuse for my to jam out on my Ipod. I tell you what, I can rock Chicago's "Inspiration" like nobody's business. I can also thug out to T.I. like I was raised in the ghetto......it really is exhausting being this awesome. :)

Stay tuned......More of my nonsense coming soon..................

How Do You Measure A Year?

Oh, all the changes a year can bring!

 I started this journey to get healthy exactly one year ago today.

A year ago, I sat right where I am at now, scared out of my mind. I knew I needed to make some changes. Some big changes.  Ultimately, I had two choices. Change the way I was living or die. Simple enough, I guess. When I started this all I thought my fear was of dying. I think in retrospect, the true fear that I harbored was in actually letting myself live.

I am not the same person who sat in front of this computer a mere 365 days ago.  Time changes us all. I remember the very first blog entry. I cried the entire time I wrote it. Hell, every blog I write, I still cry. It's cathartic. I'm probably gonna cry at some point before this one is finished. Putting myself out there for the world to see my weaknesses has been monumental for me. I have a pesky little habit of letting my pride get the best of me and God forbid someone see me at a weak moment, in my mind that is just unacceptable; but I knew that if I was going to succeed at this, I had to be able to let others see my vulnerabilities. In the last year I have learned that sometimes the only way to exude strength is to be strong enough to show my weaknesses

When I started this journey I set a goal. I wanted to be down 100 pounds today. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I reached all my goals. That I lost 100 pounds. That my life was perfect. That losing the weight made EVERYTHING better, but alas, I would would be lying. Regretfully, I have not lost 100 pounds. I have lost 60 pounds and have maintained that loss over the summer.

I have a ways to go. It is slow moving but I will get there. One step at a time. Realizing today that I fell short of the goal I set a year ago is just the motivation I need to get my ass back on track. It's bad enough to feel like I let everyone else down but it pisses me off to no end that I let myself down. Here's to a new push to continue to get healthy. So beginning Monday, I am back on track...hold me to it, friends.

Truth is, losing weight is only a small equation in this process. This process is about learning to love myself enough to live healthier. There will always be times where I fall short,  where I return to old habits. The important part is to start each day with a clean slate. I have also learned that  I have to love myself at every size. If don't love myself fat I sure as hell won't love myself thin. I will still be the same person just in a slightly smaller package. My body isn't ideal but it's the only one I've got so I have to treat it right.


 Confession time: I still hate to exercise. Absolutely hate it. Some things never change. I do a fitness boot camp three days a week.  It's a mixture of core exercises as well as cardio.  I die a little inside on cardio day. Every day I can think of a million reasons not to go but I know that it needs to be done. I know I could easily fall back into my inactive life so I have to push on.

And in this year I have learned to really live. For so long, I was merely existing. Now, I do what I feel. I surround myself by people who make me happy and I distance myself from those who don't. I have learned that if I don't want people to expect me to change, I had better not ask them to do so either. That if I don't want people to judge me, I better not judge them. Some lessons this year have been easier than others but as promised this ride has been every thing I expected it to be. It's been beautiful and it's been messy.  I've had some of my happiest moments and  I have experienced some of my saddest. I have faced my demons. I have made new friends and I have lost old ones. I am thankful for all of my family and friends who have loved me through all of this, especially on the days that I wasn't strong enough to love myself

...and for this entire journey, I am becoming a little bit better every day.


P.S. One year later and I would still do unspeakably obscene things for Taco John's Potato Oles.

K.W.

He will always be more at home on an Allis Chalmer's tractor out in a hay field than in an office. He can fix just about anything on this planet, whether it be a broken window or a broken heart. He is a man of few words, but you can bet your ass when he has something to say, it's worth hearing. He is loving and caring. He is funny and he is wise. He can curse for three minutes straight without taking a breath. He is the strongest man I have ever met and he is the glue that keeps our family together. He is my Dad and I would not be who I am without him.

There are two  things in life that I know for certain:

1.) I drive my dad bat-shit crazy.
2.) He loves me more than I can even comprehend.

It's safe to say that my dad and I are very different. He is as level-headed as I am nonsensical. He likes to have a plan for everything. I tend to fly by the seat of my pants. He is focused and, I am, well......not. Sarcasm is typically lost on that man, whereas, I speak it fluently. As different as we are, he has never once discouraged me from being anything but true to myself. He may not always understand me but I know without a doubt, he ALWAYS supports me.

On my eighth birthday, I had a skating party at the roller rink in Hastings. My mom and I had it all planned out- basically the party of the year. However, the day before, she was invited to one of the big Husker football games of that year, by one of her friends. Not wanting her to miss out on an opportunity to have fun, dad traded in his cowboy boots for roller skates and took a group of unruly eight year olds to my Barbie skate party and insisted that she go to the game. This is one of my first recollections of his selflessness. He sacrificed his sanity to insure that both my mom and I had the best time. Plus, I'm sure he wore the hell out of that Barbie party hat!

When we were kids, he was an over-the-road truck driver and was usually gone 3-4 nights per week.  Every night he called to talk to my mom but he would always take a few minutes to talk Ethan and me, too.  He would listen to our stories and the happenings in our little lives and made us feel like we were the most important people in the world. I have to add that when Ethan and I were fighting and driving mom nuts, he would tell us that if we didn't straighten our asses up, he would jump through the phone and do it for us. I wasn't a super smart kid, but even I knew that, that was bullshit.... but, hey, it usually got our attention. Even though he was gone a lot he always made sure that he was there for the important stuff. There were few games, programs, or concerts that he missed. He may have had to come in late and stand in the back, but he was always there.

He has always sacrificed so that we had/have everything we need. He is my hero....not because of what he does but because of who he is. He believes in hard work and honesty. He believes in a man's word being their bond and on a handshake being their contract. Qualities that you don't find too often in this day and age. In a world full of uncertainties, he is one of the few constants in my life. I know how lucky I am to have been raised by such great parents but I am doubly lucky because as I have gotten older they have also became my friends. 

I watch as his mom battles end-stage dementia and am in awe as I see the same patience and caring that he has always had with his children shines through in an effort to help calm her. I know that every difficult decision he has to make weighs heavy on his heart yet he remains strong; for that is all he knows.

And I know as we come together to celebrate Father's Day, that this too is a day tinged with sadness for him. No parent should ever have to bury a child. Ethan was his best friend and days like this further remind him of his loss.  I worry that he has been so busy helping us girls through our grief that he hasn't had an opportunity to fully process his own.  Many of the things that he once loved, he no longer does, because those were the things they would do together. Life isn't fair...... I just wish I could shoulder that pain for both of them.........




Happy Father's Day, Dad!

 I don't tell you enough how thankful I am for all you do.

 Love you the most!

Warrior Dash

Several months ago when I agreed to do the Warrior Dash, I instantly thought of my Dad's famous last words, "Don't let your mouth write checks that your ass can't cash". Unfortunately, I was raised in a way that if I had given someone my word that I was going to do something, I had best do it, but I am not going to lie, I had a few doubts on whether finishing the race would even be feasible but alas I knew what had to be done.  I also knew that I would probably perish during and that next year they would have to rename it "The Laura Whitesel Memorial Dash".

Well, yesterday, I did it. I crossed the finish line. Granted, it was nearly two hours after I started but I finished. It wasn't graceful, it wasn't cute, hell, the majority of the time, it wasn't even dignified , but I finished. I went around the majority of the obstacles. I quit the race approximately 10 times throughout. I also quit life about the same amount of times. I should also mention that you have some crazy ass thoughts when you are out in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain enduring the seventh level of hell that you had to pay for. Do you remember that movie, where rich hunters paid to hunt humans? I think it was called The Game. At one point, I had myself convinced I was part of a situation like that.


It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but along the course, I found something that I have been looking for, for a long time: clarity. It came in a simple sentence from Nichole. We were about a mile in and had just been passed by about 300 people when I told her that I was having some pretty bad thoughts about those people who were running in way that seemed so effortless. She said, "The only person you need to complete with is yourself." I had about two miles to process this which got me thinking to the Laura from this same time last year.

I think back to a year ago.....June 8, 2012- I was the Laura that I don't even know anymore. The Laura that was sedentary-that could barely walk around the block without getting winded. The Laura that was 60 pounds heavier than the one now. The Laura that questioned her own worth. The Laura who was slowly digging herself into an early grave..... I may have finished that race in the worst time in Warrior Dash history, but in every single way I was the victor. Crossing that finish line represented everything that I have worked so hard for in the last year. A journey that I have just skimmed the top of.

Basically, I Jump Through Fire Like It's My Job!

It's funny, in a moment where I felt so weak, I found strength. I was again reminded of why I was working on becoming healthier. It's not to be skinny. It's not so some guy will think my ass looks hot in Yoga pants. This journey is about living life the best way possible and pushing myself to become a little better each day.

Words don't even do justice for how immensely I felt loved yesterday. We were on the last stretch of the race and we came over the last hill and there standing by the fence line were the four most important people in my life, cheering me on in the cold, pouring rain. All having a million things they would have probably rather been doing but being there for me. Like I said, in every way I was the victor.   Unconditional love is a rare thing to find in life.What would we do without family? Every single day I thank my lucky stars for them. It doesn't matter how old you are, that moment when both of your parents tell you how proud they are of you, in that instance everything in the world was right.

I also have to give a shout out to my running partner, Nichole. She stayed with my every single step of the way. She walked with me even though she could have ran ahead. She talked me off the edge every single time. She was with me when I began this journey almost a year ago. She sat with me while I cried after I got the results of my stress test.  She is not afraid to call me on my bullshit. She has been my rock. Basically, she is the ultimate bad ass and one of my best friends! Thank you for everything.

P.S. I also feel the need to take the time to apologize to the event volunteer that I had less than nice thoughts about. We were at a point where it felt like we had went about 46 miles and he mentioned that we were barely half way. I can't recall all the specifics because I was not getting a whole lot of oxygen to my brain, at that point, but I am certain he was not the names I called him, nor was his mother.....

My Mom's Cooler Than Your Mom!!

She is beautiful, smart, sassy, and funny. She makes me laugh. She makes me cry. She frustrates me. she challenges me, she pushes my buttons. She supports me. She believes in me when I don't believe in myself. She taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  She is fiercely protective  and may God have mercy on your soul if you mess with her family.  She is the first person I call with good news and with bad.   She makes my world a little better...She makes me a little better. She is my mother, my best friend.

My parent's were super young when they had my brother and me. In a way, we all kind of grew up together. I'm sure it wasn't always pretty but it was always fun. I know how much they sacrificed for us and have never met two people more selfless. I watched both of my parents work their asses off to give my brother and I the best life possible. One thing that I didn't see was them struggle. Money was tight and they went without a lot so  Bubba and I had everything we always needed. I didn't even realize this until I was older. They never once complained about it. They taught me that that the world would provide me with nothing, I had to work for everything I had. I didn't appreciate it then but establishing a work ethic was one of the greatest tools for success that they could have ever bestowed upon me.

I watched my mom raise my brother and me and then in an instance it switched to her becoming the care giver for her parent's. She put her life on hold to insure that they were always taken care of. I watched her become a fighter, an advocate, a warrior. She only did for her parents what they would have done for her. Good parents are not a coincidence. Good parents are raised by good parents. So, for all the things in life I am unsure of, I know that parenthood is one thing I will not fail at.

I have watched as she has lived every parent's worse nightmare. No parent should ever have to bury a child. She has navigated those waters with poise and strength and has been the glue that has kept our family together. Sometimes I am in disbelief of just how strong she is. I know that every Mother's Day that comes around is a little bittersweet because she is reminded of what she has lost.

So on this Mother's Day, I want to just take a minute to tell my Mom how much I love her and appreciate her. I don't say  enough, how amazing you are and how blessed I am to have you in my life. Thank you for being you and being the best Mom ever!

 I love you the most, Momma!

 

Ladies and Gentlemen....A mere example of my awesome childhood. 

 

Check out that hair? This style was not just for the special occasion of pictures. My mother insisted that my hair looked like this every.single.day. I can't complain, I was always preparted to accept a Country Music Award, should the need arise. Also, Ethan was never really into being a cowboy. That is probably Dad's hat and  mom needed something to off-set my big ass hair with that ever so sleek bow and my giant buck teeth.

I think your shirts are stupid anyway.....

Before you read any further check out the link below:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/business/story/2013/05/08/business-abercrombie-plus-size.html

Now for the disclaimer:

In this blog post I am going to make fun of Mr. Mike Jefferies. I am going to be petty and juvenile and make comments that are equally as small-minded as the ones that he made in his interview. It is not okay to judge anyone by their looks. I know this is wrong but in my only defense,  HE STARTED IT!!!!!!!

Granted this interview took place in 2006 so some time has elapsed but since the interview has recently been republished in Business Insider, apparently Mike Jefferies maintains his stance on not wanting fatties to wear his clothing.  I have seen this story shared several times on Facebook and never one to miss an opportunity to rant, I decided to do a bit of investigative reporting.

I know what your thinking. Mike Jefferies has to be insanely good looking. You know, "an attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends". Let's take a minute for me to blow that shit out of the water....

I'm not a doctor or anything but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that he most likely will not be appearing in his own ad campaigns. Just a guess. Is this a joke? A mugshot gone wrong? An allergic reaction? Sir, were you stung by a bee prior to this photograph?

I think that if I was a gizillionaire, selling only cool clothes to only cool people, I would invest some of that revenue on fixing my face.......or perhaps my personality? Some day I am going to design a line of clothing that excludes people with abnormally misshapen heads and faces... Sorry Mike, you won't be able to run with the big dogs.

I understand that he thinks that he has monopolized the clothing industry by being exclusionary in who is able to wear his clothing label but seriously does he have to be such a dick? Pretty people do wear his clothes but can the majority of them spell clothes? No wonder the ads are always so graphic, clearly his target group aren't much for reading or interpretation, for that matter.

 Any idiot can sell thread-bare shirts with a stenciled logo but it takes a real business man to do so in a way that does not offend people. Maybe Mr. Jefferies should attend a Nebraska State Fair and see that his view of people wearing his clothing may be just a tad bit warped?

As I have said before, I am not promoting being plus-size. I am all about being and living healthy. What I am promoting is that people be valued on more than the label plastered across the ass of their sweatpants.

In conclusion, I know that Mr. Jefferies will never see these words nor would he even care if he did  but I want everyone who does read this to know that it doesn't matter if you buy your clothes at Abercrombie, Walmart, Old Navy or Good Will; the true meaning of happiness is finding those who love you regardless of what you have or what you wear.

Give Me One Reason

Why is it so hard to make the right choices? I try to be completely open about all of my struggles with my weight. Every day is a battle. That  battle will be lifelong. I go weeks where I am right on track and then I fall clean off of the wagon and go right back to old habits. It just seems to snowball. Then I have to re-evaluate why I needed the change in the first place. I know all the risks I am facing by not losing the extra pounds. I know what I have to lose. I know.

 I went to my first weight loss support group meeting tonight. I have been thinking about going for the few weeks. I guess the hardest part was walking through the door. Maybe it's because I had to admit to myself that I can't do it alone which is never an easy thing to do.

Some will disagree, but I truly believe that food can be just as much of an addiction as drugs and alcohol. I don't know what it's like to struggle with a chemical dependency but damn I could write volumes on emotional dependence. How do you overcome something that is essential to living? You can quit drugs. You can quit alcohol. You have to eat.

What the leader of the group had to say tonight were the exact words that I needed to hear. She told us that there are so many reasons to not choose a healthy lifestyle but all you need is one reason to succeed. So, which reason am I gonna choose? If you are struggling, which reason are you gonna choose?  I can't count on both my hands and feet my reasons.  It all comes down MY choices and MINE alone. It's important to be reminded of this. I will always struggle with this. I know this. I don't like it but I know it. And struggle I will but in the end I know I will overcome it.

On to more exciting news.....slowly but surely, I have reached my 50 pound mark! Actually, I reached it several weeks ago but ever since I have  been fluctuating back and forth but  now I am finally back to 50 lost.  Each pound representative of lot tears, lots of laughter, even more tantrums, endless support from my family and friends, and something else I can't quite put my finger on......maybe it's strength....I'm leaning more towards hope.